Every Type of person has natural gifts and tendencies that are innately designed to help us create success, harmony and abundance. We all allow these same natural expressions to “get the best” of us and we use these same expressions in dysfunctional ways. Being more mindful of this quality in human nature will help you understand yourself and others better and isn’t that what creates wonderful relationships? More understanding and mindful management of ourselves and others? Do you see yourself in this video? Share your comments. Learn more about your true nature and what Type of person you are at http://myenergyprofile.com
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January 11th, 2011 at 8:07 am
OK,…I’m a type 2. I actually don’t hear my husband when I’m busy doing things and he says something quickly (type 3). Carol, your husband admits that he uses it as an excuse sometimes to think about what you said but I don’t think this is what is happening to me. I actually have to physically replay in my mind what I just heard so that I can guess what words my husband just said and half the time I’m wrong. Does anyone else actually not hear or process immediately what their spouse just said and have to actually replay the sounds in their minds what they just heard so they can figure out the words were? I think some people call this selective hearing.
My husband constantly gets on my case about it because then 2 seconds after I told him I didn’t hear him I’ve magically figured out what he just said. Once this happens I’m able to stop what I’m doing and focus on him so that it doesn’t happen again but it’s really frustrating. I don’t like to think of myself as “lazy listener” but that’s really what it is. I’m listening. I hear the sounds. My brain saves the sounds for later until it needs to process them and know what they meant. I have to be actively listening if I don’t want this to happen. I just want to know if I’m the only one or if this is really the same thing that Carol’s husband was talking about.
January 11th, 2011 at 3:55 pm
“Does anyone else actually not hear or process immediately what their spouse just said and have to actually replay the sounds in their minds what they just heard so they can figure out the words were?”
Yes! But I have to admit that sometimes I say I am listening when I’m really not. I even think I am going to listen but find that my mind has wandered.
Jeanine
January 17th, 2011 at 10:13 am
My husband tends to come across as a very poor listener, too, and has a habit of saying “What?” even when he heard me. It really comes across as not caring. I think he is doing what you describe, Jeanine. He, too, is a Type 2.
January 17th, 2011 at 3:12 pm
Theresa J…what you wrote sounded just like me. When I am busy or distracted, listening and comprehending someone is difficult. And when I say I didn’t hear you, I have then processed what was said. My parents ALWAYS complained and made fun of this and I thought that there was something wrong with me. Now I know this is who I am and I am beginning to embrace it with love and acceptance.
January 19th, 2011 at 12:00 am
I’m a type 2 and I do that exact same thing. It’s almost like I put what someone says in the corner of my mind ,with a little sticky note that says get back to this later, if I am focusing on something else. If I am reading or on the computer I totally focus everything into that one thing and dont respond to my husband but somehow I will remember what he said 5 min. later ,after he has gotten upset with me
.
January 11th, 2011 at 8:18 am
I can so relate to this it isn’t even funny. The passive-agressive behavior and the “I didn’t hear you,” from my family members are my biggest challanges. Carol, your suggestion of having an acknowledgement of being heard would be so much better than the sudden push that I feel when I don’t get a response – it almost elevates my T3 move forward, ‘get it done and off-my-list’, to a point where I no longer want to wait for the response. Knowing EP has made me aware that I need to wait for a response from the T2s, but when I feel ignored there is an anxiety that takes over that brings on frustration, anxiety, and a lack of patience.
January 11th, 2011 at 10:17 am
This was really helpful. I am a type 2 and my husband is a type 3. I can totally relate you Carol and her husband’s examples. I tend to retreat and not answer my husband when he comes at me with questions are I want you to do this! etc. I don’t anwser and he gets angry with me. That is a super great tip of telling him that I heard him and that I am thinking about it.
Thanks!
Kristine
January 11th, 2011 at 11:11 am
My boyfriend is a Type 2 (secondary 4). I find that he will get frustrated, withdraw, and put off his tasks if he can’t sort out the details. One of the most helpful things I’ve found if he’s fretting is for me to approach him as gently as possible and offer to help him with a to-do list. (Sometimes he chooses to ask me to help with it.) Then, as he speaks, I write down the various assignments from college classes, work, and life (things like paying bills, setting appointments and calling people) onto a changeable list (like a computer document – NOT on paper). Then, once we’ve gotten the list out in the open, I send him the document and HE can prioritize them and work on the details. I think he gets stuck (with his 4 secondary) not wanting to write a to-do list that isn’t ALREADY prioritized (thus imperfect), so he won’t write the items down. Then he gets frustrated with not being able to start, and sometimes gives up. If he can have the list and prioritize it, he’s able to make progress on his tasks.
Also, thank you for this series. I’m a Type 1, and I’ve committed to myself to own up to my mistakes, rather than using my randomness to cover up. I’m excited to read about Type 3 and 4!
January 11th, 2011 at 3:54 pm
I think every type has its own way of being passive-aggressive.
One of the most passive-aggressive people I know is my mother and she is a type four. In addition to all kinds of other things like forgetting, saying things that are meant to hurt but denying it when confronted, she does exactly what you described, Carol. She goes completely silent when she is angry (though she denies being angry).
But then, look out, because payback is coming!!
I wish you would address the ways other types can be passive-aggressive, as well, and how to deal with them.
Thanks!
Jeanine
January 11th, 2011 at 5:51 pm
Dear @Jeanine, thank you so much for your comment. You will see when the Type 4 video goes up we explain the behavior you are describing in your mother-in-law. As I tell everyone, if you have not shared this information with her, don’t expect her to change just because you know it! People change with expanded awareness, and if they don’t have it, they keep doing what they are doing, as they believe it is working. As far as other Types being “PASSIVE”- aggressive, I believe Type 2′s lead in this as they are more passive naturally. Other Types have their dysfunction as we are sharing and you are learning, but true passive-aggressive is mostly played out by Type 2′s. Type 1′s can be manipulitive with stories and exaggerations, Type 3′s can just be aggressive, and Type 4′s are controlling, these are not true passive aggressive behaviors, just other forms of dysfunction!
January 12th, 2011 at 8:23 am
I agree completely. The T2s in my life excel at the passive-aggressive behavior and my understanding of EP allows me to extend grace to them, but it doesn’t provide opportunity for them to see it or to even consider it a dysfunctional behavior.
Thankfully my immediate family is aware of EP and I can discuss these things with them and show them the videos. It helps – a lot, but truly, their attention to self-help [personality awareness and getting along with others] is because they love me not because they feel a need or desire to be any different. I can bring it to their attention and I can extend unconditional love. What they do with it all is up to them.
January 17th, 2011 at 12:20 pm
What a blessing that they care about you enough to show an interest! It’s a lot more support than I’ve ever had as my family of origin is so hateful and abusive.
January 11th, 2011 at 8:08 pm
I am a 4 with a really strong secondary 2 and that sounded so familiar. I have totally ignored people so I don’t have to address the problem right away. And I worry and withdraw so I don’t ask questions and then am confused, just as you said. It all sounded so familiar! But then again, perhaps I’m getting 4′s and 2′s mixed up and when I withdraw and am silent I am doing it in a different way. Not sure. Perhaps I’ll just have to wait for the type 4 video on this.
January 12th, 2011 at 3:17 pm
I am a type 2 and I sure wish I had know it sooner! My spouse is a 3 and I still feel nervous when he asked me something or approaches me with an idea because I can’t always answer him right away and it used to make me feel dumb as it did growing up with a father who didn’t have time to wait for an answer. I also was afraid to asked questions in school for fear of looking stupid and I did later feel frustrated because I now didn’t have answers to my questions! I do know now after finding out my type that it is alright to tell someone I will get back to them or I have to think about it, but I also know I have to own up and make a decision. I think the biggest issue I have struggled with all my life is worrying about people thinking I was dumb because it did take me longer to process things. Thank you Carol for the gift you have given to all our types and making us feel good about ourselves as our true nature.
January 17th, 2011 at 8:51 am
Hmm.Interesting. thanks, Carol and Sarah.
I feel I am type two with a secondary one, tertiary three. I am also very hearing impaired… classified as deaf but thank Gd w/ a noisy, squealing, hearing aid I can hear enough to get by. often I only hear part of what is said and have to guess the rest. It takes work to hear
though; it is not effortless like breathing. My mind is often focused
on my tasks at hand or learning or planning so often unexpected conversation is jarring, much like a phone that keeps ringing when one is trying to get something done. I can switch over easily though if the situation resonates.
Usually I can respond to somebody w/ much empathy or share helpful info very naturally and quickly when the situation calls for it but if the person makes a comment that is sooo different from how I think, I freeze. I dont know automatically how to answer that person. I dont perceive it as passive aggressive at all. sometimes i ask questions to see what my husband is trying to get at because i really am not on the same wave length… that is not to say anybody is wrong, just different. It happens w/ only a few people.for example, I really dislike arguing and sometimes comments from others , imho,are black and white against this or that issue/group/person. i dont want to argue. other people come up w/ ideas they want done and no idea of the details involved in accomplishing them nor do they want to discuss/share/listen/learn about how to do it. how can i help them or even comment?i dont know. it just doesnt seem realistic. I say ‘uhh, huh,” if I’m not in shock. If I ask them how they plan to do it there is no response.
.
even though it is not easy because i’m busy and it is interruptive, I make a point of answering the phone whenever the voice of family/friends/business call comes on the answering machine. It is important on my spiritual path to be there for people.
i just dont always get it, like the political extreme right and left dont get each other or 2 people of opposing religious beliefs can connect well . Maybe because my husband is a genius techy and I’m a MSW? He also is is a diagnosed ‘aspie’ and often cannot “switch over” as he describes it. I can usually switch and multitask but I cant think of a kind/relevant response.
i hope this is helpful to explain how i see it as a 2. i see how somebody might perceive it is passive aggressive but that’s not how i feel. saying “i will think abt it and get back to you”
is something I do when this situation comes up. we still cant always resolve things though.
thank you again
January 17th, 2011 at 9:37 am
@rc, the passive agressive behavior I receive from the T2s in my life isn’t around how they response to a discussion. Mine do things like this:
Husband decides my serving sizes need to be a little smaller (:-))so he kindly serves me my dinner and shrinks the portions on the plate.
Daughter decides we are watching too much T.V. so she takes over the T.V. room and claims the space, or thinks I am on the computer too much and suddenly asks me to go walking with her.
January 17th, 2011 at 10:51 am
Wow! My husband is a 2-4 and my adult-at-home son is a 4-2.
I’m the odd man out as a 3-1. And as a female, of course….
I’ve been aware of the passive-aggressive behavior for many years and thought it was intentional on their parts. Why can’t they just say what they mean! Why don’t they answer me, NOW? lol
For as long as I’ve known him, my husband gets this, what I call his ‘stupid look’ on his face when I either ask him something or tell him something that’s too much for him. He goes totally blank and looks at me as if I’m not there. Later, he can express himself and we talk and things are fine….I’m so glad to know he’s not deliberately ignoring me but just needs time to process my direct words and feelings.
As a 3-1, I can be intense and these videos are such a great help. I can back off a bit and let us all be who we are.
About the Type 2 not getting jobs done….when the kids were little and we bought our first house (fixer-upper), the bath tub drain leaked at the trap. My husband took the trap off but we still used the tub. I would drain the water out with a bucket, into the toilet. (the kids were too small, my husband would forgo bathing unless the tub was empty) This went on for over 3 years (I had already learned that nagging got me nowhere). One Sunday at bedtime, my husband decided to fix it, it took him 15 minutes total. Then he went to bed easy as you please, I couldn’t sleep.
Can’t wait to see how I go over the top!
Thanks again Carol.
January 17th, 2011 at 5:40 pm
I think with us 3′s, it may be the lack of patience we experience when we work so hard to be heard and get what feels like apathy, so we go into the “shut up, stupid, and GET IT DONE” mode.
January 20th, 2011 at 7:58 am
I see your secondary T4 coming out in this!
Love you, Pamela!
January 17th, 2011 at 7:40 pm
maybe some people just cannot work together in certain areas.
i like the way Pam said ‘feels like apathy’. thank you, Pam.
I know for me, it isnt apathy or passive aggression. It’s different ways of being.
Imho, i think each of the types would have different areas and styles of what would look like procrastinating.
February 7th, 2011 at 3:24 pm
Following through on what everyone owes to everyone else as a person and that is to be a good listener and to be respectful in our interactions. This video series is helping all of us to work through our perceptions and responses.
I’ve found that just paying attention makes a huge difference as in our society, it’s designed to keep us overwhelmed and in a hurry and it’s unnatural. I listen to how someone identifies themselves and call them what they call themselves; I try to listen to what is being expressed and respond accordingly, etc., and to not waste my energy on those who aren’t interested in actually interacting. I can tell and I let it go.
Timing is essential and sometimes people just aren’t ready.
Carol, wonderful series. I’ve re-listened to all of them today and will again in the future as I glean something new each time.
Thank you!
Kristine, love you too. You always use my real name.
pamela
January 18th, 2011 at 8:19 am
Hmmmmm…I’m a Type 3-1. I really know how to ‘push’ when it comes to activities—-housework, painting, gardening, etc., but when it comes to relationships, I am a total 2. I withdraw during conflict or what I perceive MAY be conflict between people. As a child, I seldom spoke up or even defended myself with siblings, etc. Is it possible that the Type 2 part of me only comes out when I’m in an uncomfortable relational situation? I’m confused.
January 18th, 2011 at 8:29 am
Dear @Brenda, what you are describing is an example of repressing your true nature and reverting to a secondary nature in relationship scenarios. This is a sign for you to clear whatever fears and limiting beliefs you carry about “it’s not safe to be me in relationships.” As a result of clearing these limitations, you can not create mutually supportive relationship that offer you expanding fulfillment and joy. You are probably reverting to a lot of “doings” in your life as you described this is the “territory” you feel you can be yourself and feel more fulfilled. The problem is, “doings” are not meant to be our medium to experience deep fulfillment, relationships are.
January 18th, 2011 at 8:52 am
Thanks, Carol—you hit the nail on the head. I’ve done a lot of EFT on myself and have successfully cleared a lot of emotional baggage over the years—some of which ‘cured’ me of food allergies, hayfever, etc. but I had plateaued on ‘what’s next’ in the EFT department—I can see where to go now.
I have to admit that at the core, I do not believe that it is safe to be me in relationships—especially with people I find emotionally over-whelming. I had a very domineering and critical Type 4 father and was married to a man with Narcissist/Borderline personality for 25 years.
I have been SO repressed for so many years, that were it not for my current loving husband, EFT and Dressing Your Truth, I doubt I would ever had the experience of knowing myself and living congruent with my true nature in my relationships with others.
January 18th, 2011 at 9:29 am
Thanks @Brenda, this would be a really supportive dialogue for the new Type 3 dysfunctional post as I think a lot of Type 3′s have this same issue and revert to their doings for fulfillment and wonder why they burn out and feel deeply unfulfilled! If you could repost your first comment, I will copy and post my reply and then you repost your response! I know it will help other Type 3 women!!
January 18th, 2011 at 10:35 am
Hmmmmm…I’m a Type 3-1. I really know how to ‘push’ when it comes to activities—-housework, painting, gardening, etc., but when it comes to relationships, I am a total 2. I withdraw during conflict or what I perceive MAY be conflict between people. As a child, I seldom spoke up or even defended myself with siblings, etc. Is it possible that the Type 2 part of me only comes out when I’m in an uncomfortable relational situation? I’m confused.
January 18th, 2011 at 11:57 am
Dear @Brenda, what you are describing is an example of repressing your true nature and reverting to a secondary nature in relationship scenarios. This is a sign for you to clear whatever fears and limiting beliefs you carry about “it’s not safe to be me in relationships.” As a result of clearing these limitations, you can not create mutually supportive relationship that offer you expanding fulfillment and joy. You are probably reverting to a lot of “doings” in your life as you described this is the “territory” you feel you can be yourself and feel more fulfilled. The problem is, “doings” are not meant to be our medium to experience deep fulfillment, relationships are.
January 18th, 2011 at 1:01 pm
Thanks, Carol—you hit the nail on the head. I’ve done a lot of EFT on myself and have successfully cleared a lot of emotional baggage over the years—some of which ‘cured’ me of food allergies, hayfever, etc. but I had plateaued on ‘what’s next’ in the EFT department—I can see where to go now.
I have to admit that at the core, I do not believe that it is safe to be me in relationships—especially with people I find emotionally over-whelming. I had a very domineering and critical Type 4 father and was married to a man with Narcissist/Borderline personality for 25 years.
I have been SO repressed for so many years, that were it not for my current loving husband, EFT and Dressing Your Truth, I doubt I would ever had the experience of knowing myself and living congruent with my true nature in my relationships with others.
January 18th, 2011 at 1:30 pm
Thanks Brenda , you are awesome! Also I want to recommend The Carol Tuttle Healing Center that offers numerous EFT video sessions with me. I recently added several new sessions to help people that are not living true to their nature, like the “I don’t like my Type” sessions. Check it out at http://www.youremotionalhealing.com
January 18th, 2011 at 6:28 pm
Carol–I’m looking forward to watching your next video on ‘Type 3 dysfunctions’. I also really want to encourage others to check out using EFT to get ‘unstuck’. The results are truly amazing.
January 25th, 2011 at 8:06 am
This is funny. I’m a 2/3 and my DH is a 3/2, and HE’s the one who tends to go passive/agressive and/or “not hear” what I said. It makes me insane and tends to push me into my secondary 3, I guess, and blow my lid to get him to engage. To me, it’s just another person not hearing me, the sensitive little T2. I’ve definitely spent a lot of time in my secondary nature in my life, because I often feel like that’s the only way people hear me. I don’t usually start off with that (unless my experience with a particular person has taught me that’s the only way it’s gonna happen), but I feel like I often end up there.
March 30th, 2011 at 7:13 pm
This is so true! I have to process things when talking before responding!…Yes, I have missed out on things because I didn’t speak up….
May 18th, 2011 at 12:37 am
I have a slightly different issue as a Type 2. When someone is speaking to me, especially if I am busy or preoccupied, I understand them and form a response. But often I don’t say my thoughts out-loud. I think that I spoke the answer out-loud, but later I am not sure and end up asking the other person if I answered them. Is this because I have so many different trains of thought going on at the same time?
Sometimes I think that I am going a little nutty.
Does anyone else experience this?
August 29th, 2011 at 9:36 am
My Dad is a T2 and he thinks he has told us something, but hasn’t. I am a T2 as well, and I have’t seen myself do this.