This article is the first in a two-part series. The second part will appear in a post next week.
What is real love?
Real love is an energy that supports us in feeling good. When we feel genuine self-love and self-worth we experience ourselves as good enough and capable. There is a reverence and humility that accompanies this deep knowing that we are valuable just for being our unique self.
Our worth is not dependent on our doings or our belongings. When genuine self-love and self-worth is present and alive within us, we attract love and respect from others.
We literally draw to us the energy of love from others. We offer the energy of love and receive the energy of love. We feel very whole and complete in this state of being.
Why we need it.
When we are born we are completely dependent on others for our survival both physically and emotionally. Most of us grew up with our physical needs being met adequately and emotional needs being met sporadically or not at all.
We come in to this world with the need to be validated that we are lovable. We are looking for someone, primarily our parents, to tell us that we are important, we are loved and cherished and that we count free of any conditions.
Even though our spirit knows we are lovable, our cognitive physical self needs to hear that. We are looking to be validated all through our infancy, childhood and teen years as we move through different developmental stages.
If we were not given that message and our environment caused us to feel threatened or unsafe, we are still looking to have the message that we are lovable given to us as adults. We are stuck in patterns of co-dependency looking for love and validation outside of ourselves.
Why we make it so hard to experience it.
When we were little and love was not as available or predictable we learned to live without it. We subconsciously created ways of thinking and behaving that helped us feel safer in what seemed like a random world.
You may have tried different things to get more love and support you in feeling more lovable. Some of those ways worked and you did get more attention. To this day you may subconsciously still be believing that you need these patterns in order to be lovable.
When they didn’t work we adapted to limiting beliefs, held at a deep subconscious level, that tell us we are really not lovable.
We often sabotage the experience we want the most because it is so unfamiliar and at that deep level we really believe we don’t deserve it, that we are not worth it, or that the love is not real.
The 10 lies we think are love:
1. Food is love
Our bodies require love through appropriate touch. When that need has not been met we often turn to food to fill us.
The root cause of all addictions is the body’s need for attention. Food feels good to the body. The body will begin to believe food is love and continually seek it out to get the feeling of sweetness and fullness that the energy of real love gives us when it is open and flowing in our being.
2. Sex is love
This can play out in a way that supports people in fearing, hating and despising sex, or becoming addicted to it. If you were sexually abused or prematurely affected by sexual experiences, it is common to have the deeper belief of “I can only be loved for sex.” Sexual encounters can feel abusive and leave you with a feeling of being used.
Sexual addictions are supported by the bodies need for affection and it has come through sexual encounters. Again the body needs touch and support.
If you were sexually abused as a child or that pattern is still alive from generations past, your body may hold the belief of “my body is bad because it feels good.”
It goes through a cycle of feeling starved for love, getting a quick fix with sex, and then feeling bad for satisfying it’s need for love with sex.
3. Money is love
This pattern can get set up in families with money. When emotional love is not flowing freely, money is often used as a substitute. This can set up the siblings as rivals because they subconsciously know that there is not enough emotional love to go around and they must vie for mom and dad’s money and possessions.
Mom and dad’s money and possessions represent the energy of real love that they have never had. As adults money represents security. Security supports us in feeling safe. This can also feel like love.
The more money you have, the more safe you feel, the more loved you feel.
4. I have to be sick or ill to be loved
If you were given more attention when you were sick or ill as a child, you may still believe that you need this pattern to get noticed. If you were healthy and well you risk the experience of no one caring about you.
Doctors can feel like surrogate parents. They give you attention, advice, and hopefully encouragement.
All the things you needed as a child. Your sickness may be a way to keep you from living your life fully or taking responsibility for your life because you feel incapable and afraid. It is something to fall back on when you need to escape and want to hide.
Learn powerful healing techniques to release the issues that are causing pain and disharmony in your life and relationships on Carol’s best-selling Audio CDs Clearing the Issues that are Keeping You Stuck and Single! and her Marital Bliss : Understanding the Masculine and Feminine in Marriage.
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